My Heart is Numb

The court dismissed Hannah's case Monday, February 5th, because she will be 18 on the 27th, and there doesn't seem to be anything left that we can do. Even though I know that we have done everything we knew to do, I still realize that we made mistakes, and I am often haunted with what we might have missed. We watched her walk away once again. That night, having traveled to Nashville for the Re:Create conference, I spent some time alone with the Lord. I pictured my heart lying before him, and I felt like I was sufficating. I picked up my journal and wrote:

My heart is numb
Numb from mistakes I've made
and can't correct.
It barely beats-
whimpering piteously
from its self-made lair
covered over
almost completely
with blackness.
I can't feel even though I want to feel
I long to rise
To take wing
To fly free.
But my heart is too heavy.
It can't rise.
It's not free
covered over
almost completely
with
blackness.
This heart is dying.
I feel it dying.

Oh, God

I need Your Light!

I need Your Light!

And then in mercy
You gaze upon my heart
You do not look away.

You immerse my heart
in the waters
of Your Love
My God, You wash me

in the waters

You cover Your holiness
with
my
filth
and leave me
clean

Then You whisper to my heart

Beat
Feel
Rise
Take wing
Fly free

Beating stronger
Beating stronger
Beating stronger
I rise in the Power
of the Lover
of my numb heart.

And I do feel.
And I do rise.
And I do take wing.
And I will
fly
free.


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